Joke of the Week

We appreciate the jokes and/or funny stories. Please keep them coming: debi1948@gmail.com

Paul got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, Sir" said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
The other one says, “Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz.” So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.
The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!
The phone rings. It’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”
“Great”, he said! “Just great!” The buddy says, “Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!
“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing . . . “
“What’s that?”
“Did you fart yet?”
“No . . . ”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in Phoenix.”

On the way home from an office party, a wife said to her middle aged husband: “Have I ever told you how sexy and irresistible to women you are?”
“I don’t believe you have dear,” he replied flattered.
“Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?”

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!”

A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets. "Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked. "For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you that."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a brief pause, the farmer ads, "Hard to fool them flies though..."

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates and the rest of my half-gallon of Blue Bell Original Vanilla Bean ice-cream.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you?
He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said.
They couldn’t believe it.
They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”

Last night I was at a party and had a beer or two, but wasn’t even dizzy, let alone drunk. After the party I got into my car and two minutes later noticed flashing lights in my rear view mirror. I slowed down, pulled over, got my documents ready, and rolled down my window. A cop walks over and says the usual:
– Good evening Sir, can I see your license and registration? Have you had anything to drink tonight?
– Evening officer. I was just on my way home from a party and did have two beers, but nothing more than that.
– Hmmmm, two beers? That’s it? You sure you didn’t have a few more drinks? Let me ask you something. Let’s say that you are in an dark street and you see two lights coming towards you. What do you think that is?
– I suppose that would be a car.
– Yes, it is a car, but what kind of car: a Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?
– No idea, the street is dark. No way I could tell the car make!
– Alright, let me ask you something else. Same street, but this time you see only one light. What would that be?
– I presume a motorcycle.
– Yes, that’s right but what kind of a motorcycle: a Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley Davidson?
– No idea officer.
– Hmmm, I think you had a bit too much to drink. Can you please step out of the vehicle?
– Sure, but let me ask you one question officer. You’re driving down a dark alley and see a woman wearing a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and high heels. Who is she?
– She’s obviously a prostitute.
– Yes, she is, but is she your mother, your sister or your daughter?
Needless to say, I was immediately charged with drunk driving and taken downtown for processing. But I wasn’t drunk, I swear.